RodneyDangerfieldQuotes

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's

nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a

mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes

himself.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the

world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but

he know he can't.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some

cement and felt another hand.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and

a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an

olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat

people.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I

would be honest.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the

library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt

her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my

finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a

brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being

ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,

two plumbers, and a bartender.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt

her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my

finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a

brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being

ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,

two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to

drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now

she's afraid of the light.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked

at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he

leaves a pyramid.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-

of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take

separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our

marriage together.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he

told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found

them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I

should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her

birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined

me.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.'

He said 'God beat me to it.'