"Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison." "Never miss a good chance to shut up." "Always drink upstream from the herd." "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment." "If you live life right, death is a joke as far as fear is concerned." "There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works." "I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy." "America is a land of opportunity and don't ever forget it." "The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer." "Your mothers get mighty shocked at you girls nowadays, but in her day, her mother was just on the verge of sending her to reform school." "We are always yapping about the 'Good Old Days' and how we look back and enjoy it, but I tell you there is a lot of hooey to it. There is a whole lot of all our past lives that wasn't so hot." "I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or hard to check as a socially ambitious mother." "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today." "My ancestors didn't come over in the Mayflower-they met the boat." "My father was one eighth Cherokee and my mother one fourth Cherokee, which I figure makes me about an eight cigar-store Injun." "It was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. Betty [his wife] is to blame for it all. Whatever I am or have accomplished, I owe to Betty. I ain't got no sense. My wife made me what I am. In other words-local girl makes good in the city-makes good man." "The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know." "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." "Fanatical religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but not quite." "You shake a slogan at an American and it's just like showing a hungry dog a bone." "The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them." "All Wrigley had was an idea. He was the first man to discover that American jaws must wag. So why not give them something to wag against?" "The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. That would make traffic so scarce we could use the boulevards for children's playgrounds." "Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." "We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." "Things will get better-despite our efforts to improve them." "I never met a man I didn't like." "We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can." "Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." "People are marvelous in their generosity, if they just know the cause is there." "The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color you are you require the same amount of nourishment." "Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around we use our fingers." |
found out." "Everyone is ignorant, only in different subjects." "Nothing you can't spell will ever work." "There is two types of larceny, Petty and Grand. They are supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine for stupidness." "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" "People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide." "No man is great if he thinks he is." "I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you." "Nothing makes a man, or a body of men, as mad as the truth. If there is no truth in it, they laugh it off." "Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth." "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." "On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does." "There ought to be one day-just one-when there is open season on senators." "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." "You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way." "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." "The man with the best job in the country is the vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President?'" "I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am, but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em." "The United States investigates everything-usually after it's dead." "Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials." "If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics." "The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has." "If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world." "Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians and I love to watch both of 'em play either back home in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to the zoo or to Washington." "If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership "The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." "There is only one thing that can kill the movies, and that is education." "I'm not a real movie star. I still got the same wife I started out with nearly 28 years ago." "Old Hollywood is just like a desert water in Africa. Hang around long enough and every kind of animal in the world will drift in for refreshments." "Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save." "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." "I wonder if it isn't just cowardice instead of generosity that makes us give tips." "Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion." |
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